Is there a lot of pressure to have sex in college?
Absolutely. But that’s not a good reason to stay a loser. Before you decide to make love another person (or to yourself) make sure you’ve done it before. That means being experienced in bed and being aware of sexually transmitted diseases such as pregnancy. Very importantly, Get Flavored Condoms! And if you’re female, make sure you are getting regular vaginal exams, particularly if you are a freshman. And remember, sex mixes perfectly with drugs and/or alcohol! Putting yourself in a position where you too incapacitated to say no is the perfect way to say “Hello!” to your new classmates.
I really miss my boyfriend/girlfriend, so I really don’t like going to this college. Should I go to the same college they do?
No. As hard as it is to hear, this relationship may not last very long whether you are closer or not. This is not to say that it’s impossible, because I know you’re probably saying, “We’re different, I swallow for him.” There are people who start dating in high school, make it through four years of college apart, get married, work at different places, then get divorced and re-married to some guy/girl they met at the post office. Even if you are able to maintain the relationship, the new distance or time constraints may be hard to handle. DON’T coop yourself in your dorm room masturbating to pictures of him/her. Doing so will only remove you from all of the other hot guys/girls just waiting to get laid at college. Getting involved in new, alcohol induced, sexual relationships will help the pain. Take advantage of the counseling center too. There are usually lots of tables to have sex on.
What do I do if I am sexually harassed while at college?
DON’T TELL ANYONE! Colleges take these things way too seriously and there is no reason for anyone to put up with your whining. If the harassment doesn’t make you feel special, you’re an idiot. If you are sexually harassed by an ugly professor or student with a small penis, take a picture or video of their small penis and mail it to the Dean of the College (and/or this site). Again, colleges take these things way too seriously and there is no reason for anyone to put up with you being such a little bitch.
How do I get someone to understand when I really mean NO!?
Only tell someone no if they are too ugly to have sex with. If someone is pressuring you to do something sexual you don’t want to do, rent some pornographic films and take notes. The guys/girls on campus deserve better! Don’t say no when you mean yes. That’s just annoying. And don’t get yourself into an impaired condition where you may not be able to control your bladder or bowel movements during unwelcome sex, that’s just gross.
What if I enroll in a course and decide I don’t want to take it anymore?
The first thing you should do is buy a 12 pack, drink all of the beers and then try to make your decision. It has been scientifically proven that college students make better decisions when intoxicated. If after drinking the 12 beers you still decide that you don’t want to take the course anymore, then buy another 12 pack and try to get completely wasted. Before you know it, you won’t even remember why you didn’t like that pesky course anymore.
What do colleges do about cheating?
It’s actually quite simple. Have you ever seen the movie “Casino” with Robert De Niro? If you haven’t, then rent it or borrow it because this movie perfectly explains what happens to cheaters in college. In short, if you are caught cheating on an exam or essay in college, you are given the choice of hands to have bashed in by a ball pin hammer. Colleges take this important measure to ensure the integrity of the college system.
Doesn’t everyone drink alcohol in college?
Not everyone. Some people are allergic to alcohol and are thus unable to drink it. Other than these losers however, everyone else does drink in college. Some students like to call it “brain juice” due to it’s learning ability enhancing abilities. Many extremely thorough research studies have concluded that alcohol, particularly the alcohol in beer, has a positive effect on brain function which can really help you out before exams.
Does everyone do drugs in college?
That depends what you define drugs as. Many students find that certain technically illegal substances help them relax the night before a big test. In college, Marijuana is not a drug. It is basically like a really strong form of Tylenol. Therefore, use of Marijuana on campus, though technically “illegal,” produces very positive effects on student performance and thus is not frowned upon as crack is. Crack is for idiots.
Can I have visitors?
Most colleges have a very strict policy regarding visitors. In many cases, this policy states that any female visitor that is meeting you on campus for a sexual activity must be cleared by the “campus pimp” before proceeding to your location. This ensures the quality of females entering campus property. It should be noted that any and all actions which take place between said “campus pimp” and your female visitor remain confidential and no damages may be sought in connection with this procedure.
Is college harder than high school?
That depends on your definition of harder. Many students find that college is much easier than high school. This is mainly due to the easier access to alcohol in college. It is much easier to obtain alcoholic drinks in college and in this aspect college is not harder than high school. However, in many cases it can be more difficult to find clean sex partners in college and strict care should be taken in this respect.
Do I have to buy books my books for college?
Of course you don’t have to buy your college books. The best thing to do is to contact your college’s book store and find out their hours of operation. Then go to the store five minutes before they are to close. Make sure you have a knife or some other type of weapon along with covering your face and proceed to tell the store clerk that you will “rip his/her fucking head off” if they do not give you the books you need. If that does not work you can always purchase used text books online like all of the other losers.
How are boyfriend/girlfriend relationships different in college?
Usually, they are very similar to your high school relationships except for the fact that you are almost 7000 times more likely to develop STD’s while in college. College relationships can sometimes be more serious than relationships in high school. College relationships often require asking yourself some very important questions such as,
1) Am I willing to share my boyfriend/girlfriend in order to keep my friends?
2) Do I have an adequate supply of flavored condoms?
3) How will I react if my boyfriend unexpectedly performs the “shocker” on me?
And many more.
Is it harder to make friends in college?
Not really. As long as you give great head, you will have no problem making friends. If you are an ugly girl, there is still hope for you in the form of hand jobs, beer runs and acting as designated picture taker. It should also be noted that regardless of your sex, if you are rich or have generously rich parents, you will have an unbelievable amount of friends.
What are the consequences to binge drinking?
Besides anal warts, there are many consequences to binge drinking. Among these are vaginal warts, oral warts, and leprechaun warts (rare but fatal). In addition to the sexual side effects of binge drinking, there is also the possibility of forcefully being dressed in various types of embarrassing outfits including but not limited to, Russian space whore, German pancake maker, and transsexual Spanish cowboy.
I’ve heard that everyone smokes marijuana in college. Is that true?
There is no easy answer to this question. While not everyone smokes marijuana in college, not everyone has sex either. In college, marijuana is considered an aphrodisiac. In addition to assisting students in getting laid, marijuana can also increase blood flow to the brain thus helping students score higher on tests. It is for this reason that most everyone smokes marijuana in college. On some campuses, marijuana is called “smokeable beer”.
I have twin daughters who are going to the same college. The college won’t let them be roommates. What can I do?
I will answer your question in just one moment…………………. ah….uh……ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Ok, I’m back. Many colleges have this rule due to the amount of sexual harassment that could be directed towards your daughters. If your daughters were allowed to be roommates, there is a possibility that they could be featured in an assorted amount of inappropriate home made videos. Also, it has been proven that female twins are 3 times as likely to possess venereal diseases, and when placed in a dorm room together the situation becomes a form of STD incubator. Trust me, it is in your daughter’s best interest to understand and abide by this very important rule.
I am a great student, but I am scared to death of going to college. I know I will miss my friends terribly. Plus, I am from a small town but have picked a large school in a major city because it has such a good reputation in my field of study. What can I do to help ease my mind?
I’m sorry. Did you just ask something? The sound of a whiny bitch was drowning out your question.
I like my roommate but we are very different. Can this work out?
Most everyone has SOMETHING in common. It is very important to find this common ground in order to ensure a healthy roommate relationship. This usually happens when intoxicants are used by both you and your roommate at the same time. Sometimes, both roommates see the same hallucinations and a conversation is able to be sparked from this fact. Talking about unicorns being ridden by demon possessed lesbian elves can be an amazing ice breaker.
Following advice listed on CricketSoda is a do at your own risk kind of thing. We are in no way experts on anything, and therefore our advice should be taken with a very large pebble of salt.
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2 Comments
This usually happens when intoxicants are used by both you and your roommate at the same time. Sometimes, both roommates see the same hallucinations and a conversation is able to be sparked from this fact.
Good advices are here. Thank you mark. I do agree with most of them. Why I should not inform my friends if I am sexually harassed while at college?