Groundbreaking New Channel Offers an Interactive Co-Viewing Experience for Children and Parents
SAN DIEGO, CA – Comcast, the nation’s largest cable television provider, will be the first to offer the new FetusFirstTV channel to its customers today. FetusFirstTV is a new network dedicated to providing practical, constructive content for fetuses in the womb. The channel is produced by experts in fetus development and education.
photo by: frankenstoen (http://www.flickr.com/photos/frankenstoen/)
Supported by child development and advertising experts, FetusFirstTV is specifically tailored to meet the needs of fetuses up to the third trimester. The network’s technology transforms the traditional cable TV signal into a high powered, wireless TV signal that utylizes micro-wave technology to beam the images and sound into the fetuses occipital and temporal brain lobes creating a clear, vibrant, and easy to hear learning experience. The mother simply places a device on her pregnant belly that is connected to her cable box and the high tech viewing experience begins.
“FetusFirstTV offers a unique television experience for todays babies in the womb,” said Suzie Baxter, executive vice president of Marketing for FetusFirstTV. “We created FetusFirstTV to provide parents with affordable and trimester-appropriate content. We offer an extremely educational experience for fetuses during their earliest stages of development while they are still forming brain function in the mother’s womb.”
“We created the channel after performing market research that showed many mothers were tired of having to talk to their babies themselves. The mothers we spoke with also simply didn’t have the time to spend reading to their unborn children or singing songs to them. There was a large demand for programming for fetuses that is relatively safe and designed for unborn viewers, and content that can help them learn about this shitty world before they even take their first breath of filthy air,” said David Ebson, soon to be terminated executive vice president of Public Relations for FetusFirstTV.
While most mothers are excited to be able to offer television programming to their unborn fetuses, some are voicing concern over what they consider a dangerous concept. “Last time I checked, microwaves were used to cook things. This can’t be safe for the mother.” said Amanda Rhodes, a pregnant woman we saw on the street. “I don’t want my stomach changing colors or having more stretch marks than I’m already going to have.”
“This form of program delivery is perfectly safe for pregnant moms.” said James Harrison, director of High Powered Neurological Radiology for FetusFirstTV. When asked about how safe this form of programming is to the unborn child, Mr. Harrison placed a dome shaped device on his head, flipped a switch and began convulsing uncontrollably. After he removed the device from his head, Mr. Harrison recited the entire Patrick Henry “Give me liberty or give me death.” speech word for word and said, “See, this shit works!”
Many fetuses have not had the opportunity to watch television. In fact, a recent study into fetuses and television found that over 100 percent of unborn babies are unable to enjoy TV.
Programming is said to include many different genres including comedy, drama, history, documentary, and child horror. The network also plans to offer a one hour Fox News feed in order to pre-condition babies.
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