Open Letter to All Creators of Kids TV

kid-watching-tv There are sick people who enjoy making up concepts that only parents will fully understand and our kids just watch and watch with absolutely no concept of the adult undertones.

Instead of hiding it, why don’t they embrace it? Why not take a few minutes out of every socially stereotypical kid’s show to explain how “Maria Bobina” isn’t fat, but pregnant yet again because she lives in a dehydrated fruit peel and can’t afford birth control? Take the Backyardigans for example. Why not explain that Tyrone’s “vacation” was actually a 5 month prison term for ass raping Uniqua?

I try to teach my kids honesty, respect and solid work ethics. This is very hard to do with Handy Manny only getting paid in brownies and fruit punch. I don’t want my children growing up thinking that disappearing for 5 months is a normal thing to do. Nor do I want my son expecting to be paid in pastries and artificially flavored drinks for spending 5 hours fixing a woman’s washer, dryer, refrigerator and garage door.

I know that these kid’s TV show producers get their rocks off in the conference room by naming a tube-sock puppet “Dick” and a large mouth female cartoon character “BJ.” I understand that they need something to break the monotony of butterfly songs and pink tigers, but couldn’t they do it some other way? They could install some pinball machines in their break room, get an office pet, shoot some smack, I don’t care, as long as they leave my child’s innocent mind alone. It’s bad enough that my kid’s teachers can’t read or write and their counselors abuse drugs (yes, I’ve seen Intervention). We don’t need subliminal filth permeating through our children’s brains; our kids have enough real filth to deal with as it is.

I’m tired of answering questions like, “Daddy, why is that clown tickling a clam?” or “Daddy, can I dress up like a pirate and tickle a beaver too?” It just sickens me that there are grown men (and probably some grown women too), sitting at a huge table, sucking down cans of Red Bull with codeine deciding what makes it to kid’s TV stations.

What ever happened to mice-chasing cats, confused roosters, lasagna loving cats, and wascally wabbits? Why must these staples of children’s entertainment be replaced with crack smoking aliens, perverted sock puppets, gangster dinosaurs, and illiterate giraffes?

I genuinely long for the day when my children and I can sit down to an afternoon cartoon without me needing a bucket to vomit in every time Bob the Bus Driver says, “Oh yeah! Get inside! Come on! Take me for a ride! YEAH!!” I patiently wait for the day when I can watch a “kids show” with my kids and not see a retarded hamster giving orders to a drunk turtle and a pot smoking duck right before they fly their next mission to save the Angry Beavers.

It has to stop. Either that or they should simply be up front with people. I for one don’t like surprises. I don’t like searching for hidden meanings either but they make it more than obvious when Oswald the big blue ball and his wiener dog go next door to help fix their neighbor’s hose. They also leave very little to the imagination when they have a girl sneaking out of her house at night to go meet the animals at the zoo next door. I can smell bestiality from a mile away.

We’re not talking about simple subliminal imagery such as the monkey’s nose that strangely looks exactly like a pair of huge breasts, or the tiger’s mouth that uncannily resembles a wart covered vagina. We’re talking about a hand puppet fixing a mans broken pipe screaming “HEY, I JUST FINISHED A HAND JOB!”

When will children’s television producers realize that smut belongs on channels such as Fox News and not Nickelodeon and Disney. If I want my son and daughter learning that some parents are prone to leaving their children unsupervised for extended periods of time, I will explain it to them myself. I don’t need Dora the Explorer to show my kids this disturbing trend in parenting. So until kid’s shows change their ways, I will sit at the couch with my children, popcorn, sodas, and bucket in tow.