Folks, our national obsession with cleanliness has come back to bite us in the taint. Amid all the antibacterial soaps and hand sanitizers has come the auto-flush toilet, and with it a disturbing phenomenon that I’ve come to….blow the lid off. First, my heroic story:
There are auto-flush toilets where I work and for years, other than the mild convenience of not having to flush, I’ve barely noticed until I got a dark gray fleece jacket this past Christmas and wore it to work at some point in January. While wrapping up my morning grumpy, I collected a half-dozen squares of the half-ply sadism that passes for industrial toilet paper, got in position for the lean and wipe and the DAMN CRAPPER FLUSHED ITSELF, splashing upon my good junk a devil’s stew of turdwater. What do you do? Stand up before you’re done or just sit and take it? It’s Catch 22 in hell. When the madness dies down, I proceeded again to the lean and wipe and the DAMN CRAPPER FLUSHED ITSELF AGAIN. I finished up in record time, gritting my teeth through a third unprovoked amphibious assault and stumbled, violated toward my desk. The whole rest of the day, I wasn’t right in the head and my work suffered.
After a few weeks of unscientific research, rocking various garments during my morning grumpies, I came to the official conclusion that the pairing of a dark gray fleece overgarment and an automated commode will invariably lead to defecatory splashback. The phenomenon is so insidious and its effects so widespread, that it’s obviously the work of terrorists. I see the plan now in all its evil-genius splendor.
1) Introduce smart-looking fleece jackets to American consumerism, with dark grey outnumbering any other color 2 to 1.
2) Instill fear of germs and bacteria into the average American so that they’ll embrace as revolutionary something as ASSinine as an automated toilet.
3) Playing on our country’s puritanical inability to talk seriously about anything in the crotch area, watch as American work productivity plummets without our having a clue as to why. No one will be the wiser until we are the United States of Allahmerica.
Fleece: noun. A fabric with a soft, silky pile used for warmth.
Fleece: verb. To deprive of money of belongings by fraud or hoax; To swindle.
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One Comment
put some toilet paper over that sensor befor hand. it fixes everything! i used to avoid those shitters in general. speaking of shitters i was in an area of NY where there was only an outhouse.I needed to shit bad it was the only shitter i’d see in 6 hours. so i used it. one of those ones that creeps out slowly. it dropped hit the lake of shit below and splashed back up. i never wanted more than for a years worth of other ppls shit to splash up on my nuts