That got me thinking and looking at some classic Fight Club moments and in the mess of it all I found this kick ass video. Featuring classic Victorian characters in a Pride and Prejudice meets Fight Club, this video amazed me. Bravo!

There are auto-flush toilets where I work and for years, other than the mild convenience of not having to flush, I’ve barely noticed until I got a dark gray fleece jacket this past Christmas and wore it to work at some point in January. While wrapping up my morning grumpy, I collected a half-dozen squares of the half-ply sadism that passes for industrial toilet paper, got in position for the lean and wipe and the DAMN CRAPPER FLUSHED ITSELF, splashing upon my good junk a devil’s stew of turdwater. What do you do? Stand up before you’re done or just sit and take it? It’s Catch 22 in hell. When the madness dies down, I proceeded again to the lean and wipe and the DAMN CRAPPER FLUSHED ITSELF AGAIN. I finished up in record time, gritting my teeth through a third unprovoked amphibious assault and stumbled, violated toward my desk. The whole rest of the day, I wasn’t right in the head and my work suffered.

After a few weeks of unscientific research, rocking various garments during my morning grumpies, I came to the official conclusion that the pairing of a dark gray fleece overgarment and an automated commode will invariably lead to defecatory splashback. The phenomenon is so insidious and its effects so widespread, that it’s obviously the work of terrorists. I see the plan now in all its evil-genius splendor.

1) Introduce smart-looking fleece jackets to American consumerism, with dark grey outnumbering any other color 2 to 1.

2) Instill fear of germs and bacteria into the average American so that they’ll embrace as revolutionary something as ASSinine as an automated toilet.

3) Playing on our country’s puritanical inability to talk seriously about anything in the crotch area, watch as American work productivity plummets without our having a clue as to why. No one will be the wiser until we are the United States of Allahmerica.

Fleece: noun. A fabric with a soft, silky pile used for warmth.
Fleece: verb. To deprive of money of belongings by fraud or hoax; To swindle.

“The greatest challenge we face in the health care debate is how we are going to pay for It and I have ended the debate.,” said the president standing next to Taco Bell executives and members of congress. The president went on to announce that he has leased naming rights of the Liberty Bell to Taco Bell. According to the president the Liberty Bell will be officially renamed “the Liberty Taco Bell”. Along with the name change the fast food giant will also have their logo placed on the bell and all postcards and souvenirs featuring the famous symbol of American Independence. The president went on to say that he is in negotiations with others about leasing naming writes for other national monuments, but would not release names.

The Obama administration, which has long been accused of being socialist, has surprised many in this bold move, and has got support from some unexpected sources. Popular radio talk show host and avid Obama critic Rush Limbaugh announced on his show that he has made a $15.2 million bid for the naming rights to Mount Rushmore for 2 years. “ I may not support government health care but I sure do like the sound of Mount Rush Limbaugh More” said Limbaugh.

Obama did not take questions but closed with the following statement, “ I am often accused of being a socialist or a tax and spend liberal, but as you can see I think outside the box. My team and I have worked hard to find a way to pay for our plans not just run up the deficit. The fact is eight years of failed Bush policies is responsible for how expensive this health care bill, that was released last week, will be. And I am the one to fix it. But the critics are going to tell you that this is un-American but how is this different than selling naming writes to a football stadium? Besides I don’t hear anyone else tying to find a way to pay for this thing that was thrown in my lap. ”

Although the president has not released names of those he is in negotiations, we have obtained a list from a White House insider of purposed names.

- Statue of Liberty Mutual
- St, Louis Golden Arch
- Waffle House of Representatives
- Ford, Mercury, Lincoln Memorial
- MGM Grand Canyon
- Rename the White house to the White Castle
- The Joseph Smith-sonian Institute (proposed by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints)
- Heinz Ketchup Purple Heart (in honor of Sen. John Kerry)
- The Jeep Patriot Act (negotiated by former President George W. Bush)

The insider also stated that Obama received an offer by Capitol One to rename the presidential plane to Air force Capitol One, but the President refused saying” some things in this country are still sacred”.

Although the president has bipartisan support, He surely faces an uphill battle, as critics now attack him for being in bed with corporate America. Only time will tell if this plan will do as the president predicts or if it will do nothing more than make this country look like a giant Nascar track.

Pluto’s attorneys spoke at a press release this morning.

“No one even asked my client what it thought about the whole situation.” Head attorney Mike said. “All we are looking for it a voice in the matter, and for the truth to be told. It is a great responsibility to be a planet, and we just want the respect deserving of such a great planet.”

Opposition to the planets claim that the planet is just upset, and displaying the angry little dog syndrome. Most expect the case to be thrown out, and are calling the claims rediculous.

“I know it isn’t easy to accept being downgraded. Being a planet comes with many benefits, and losing those benefits would be hard on anyone.” Planet specialist Reba said. “But the facts are hard to look past in this case, and we have to be fair to the other planets who have spent billions of years building up their size and orbits. Pluto has enjoyed these benefit unfairly for a long time, and has thrown the rules out the window with its crazy orbit.”

During the case attorneys plan on using evidence like moons and previous works that state Pluto as a planet.

“So it has moons, and we have been calling it a planet for many years. It is just unfair to take that title and flush it down the toilet after Pluto has enjoyed it for so long.” Attorney Mike said. “Plus, this could cause some major issues for us here on Earth. What if the planet decided that since it wasn’t a planet, it didn’t need its moons anymore, and sent them hurling straight for earth? Not only is this just a planet issue, but it has a profound effect on us humans as well.”

The first court session is planned for sometime this week.

“We believe this new product will help over eaters all over the world get control.” Mick Man, President of product development said. “Not only will this allow people to have a backup safety net that will allow them to eat without fear, but they can do it cheaply with this simple necklace.”

Only after a few days on the market, many have found the necklace useful.

“I love to eat, and sometimes I really can’t stop myself.” Lynda Rougership said. “Even when my stomach hurts because it is so full, I just keep going. Now I can just press this button and someone will come to help me. Just yesterday I was eating a endless supply of hamburgers. One push of the button got a nutritionist to my location who talked me down, and helped me move on to more productive things.”

Others seem to think it is a waste of time.

“I got the device for my husband. You see, he has quite the belly and I thought it would be nice, for both him and me if he slimmed down a bit.” Georgia O’ Leaf, dedicated wife said. “The problem is he won’t use the thing. Instead of pressing the button, he just keeps eating. The other day I found the necklace on the ground in a pile of candy wrappers.”

Nutritionists welcome the boom in business, and the National Nutritionists Association of Nutritionists support the necklace as a revolutionary breakthrough in eating habit control.

“We wanted a electric shock type of thing to be incorporated into the device that would shock the eater at 500 – 700 calories depending on weight.” Head chairman Bill Burger said. “But still this device provides us an amazing tool to keep over eaters from eating themselves to the grave.”

Will the over eater alert curve the eating habits of the masses? Only time will tell.

These are the words of my dog Uzzle, which I take credit for since I own him.

Look humans; you may think that you have it tough. Sure, you may have sent out hundreds of resumes and heard nothing back except from job scammers trying to waste your time, but my friends and I can’t even type a resume. Its only through professional dog whisperer Joannas McFarly that I am able to speak to you today. I have one simple message I want to get across, and I will try to be a quick as possible because this McFarly character misunderstands most of what I say.

Us helper dogs are facing the worst unemployment rate since the great doggie depression of the 90′s when helper dogs were cast aside for foreign workers and those cute little toy puppies that couldn’t bring you a drink and a snack if you duct taped it to their tiny heads. We have our own needs, a while our pay wasn’t great when we did have duties to perform, we have needs just like you humans.

We need love, and we need exercise. It’s not just about the dog biscuit paycheck, but about the bigger picture of finding that connection with the humans we help, and about giving us something to do so we don’t go crazy trying to catch our tails.

I have been out of work for about 6 months after the company I worked for, “Beer Dogs,” cut back its crew to just a few. I used to bring endless beer to my owner, who was far to lazy to get up himself. I can’t imagine what he is doing now without me. I have nightmares that he might have gotten a job and stopped drinking beer all together.

So, as a unemployed dog who really needs something to keep me busy, I beg our owners to make great change, to reform the system so that we can get back to doing what we do best.

Fetch!

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“We studied many groups, all with different types of diets. We even had a few that ate food that didn’t allow them to fart, all the way to a diet that caused them to fart as they were eating,” lead researcher Sailern Mcphart. “We found that farting can become part of everyday language, specifically replacing laughter. Our high fart groups would roar into farts when we told a funny joke.”

The study was sponsored by Methane Capture Corporation (MCC) in hopes that a new source of methane could be discovered. Little did they know they would hit a goldmine.

“We figured there might be a slight chance, but this news is just amazing.” MCC CEO Robert Robert said. “Just image, we can hire droves of poor eaters, and just entertain them. What a great job that would be! We can help reduce unemployment, and at the same time make people happy.”

Concerns over the health of people in these cultures is a hot topic, as well as environmental concerns.

“How many people can fart before we can’t even breath the air outside anymore!” concerned environmentalist Susan Blonde said. “I know I don’t want your fart factory in my back yard, and I bet you will be hard press to find someone who does.”

While the data from the study still needs to be processed more, these early conclusions are really causing a stir.

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